Turning Toward

Years ago I was speaking with a friend. We were discussing what her husband was like before he joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She said she treated him as though he were already a member of the Church. This conversation had a huge impact on me as I was dealing with a difficult teenager at the time. I tried to take my friend’s advice and see my daughter as Heavenly Father sees her.

Part of this earthly existence is having faith in Jesus Christ that he can change people’s hearts, if and when they are willing. Married life gives us many opportunities to be patient with the one we love most.  Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, in his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, explains how faith impacts our marriage. He said, “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouse even as He is working to rescue us. When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God’s purposes in perfecting our partner (and don’t try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress.”

Sometimes it is difficult to recognize and see the good traits and qualities in your spouse. I remember years ago coming across a quote by President Brigham Young that my sister and I found comfort in on those days when we were not getting along with our husbands. Dr. Goddard paraphrases Brigham Young, who said, “If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him.” Brigham Young gave similar counsel to husbands about their wives.

It is easy to get caught up in day-to-day living and not take the time to truly reach out to your spouse. It oftentimes requires a change of thinking and behaving. Dr. John M. Gottman describes this as “turning toward each other” in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He said, “Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough…” Dr. Gottman lists activities couples can do to “turn toward each other.” They are simple things that many of us take for granted. He said the most effective one is to reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went. He suggests you find the right time to chat, and talk about whatever you want that is outside the marriage. This gives a couple a chance to discuss other areas of concern in their lives. Some additional activities on the list include: exercise together, go dancing or attend a concert, read out loud together, help out other people, and celebrate milestones.

As I started dating again in my 50’s, and learned how important yoga is to my boyfriend, I joined his yoga class. I had never done yoga before and there was a learning curve to it, but it has become something we enjoy doing together. Find things you can do together. It might not be your first choice of activity, but it will pay huge dividends in the quality and happiness of your marriage.

Cherish is the word....

After my husband passed away, I kept little handwritten notes nearby that he’d given me. They were daily reminders that he cherished me during our marriage. One note said, “You’re my favorite best mostest. I missed you all day!” When we called or texted one another, we had nicknames for each other. He was Du (short for Dude) and I was Ba (short for Babe). When our oldest granddaughter was about 2 years old, she told us, “I love you much anyone.” My husband and I took that sweet phrase and made an acronym out of the first letters of each word. We would often end a text or note with the letters ILYMA. It was our secret code of love for each other.

These nicknames, code words, and phrases may seem silly to anyone else, but they were ways of expressing our fondness and admiration for one another. In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman said, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. They cherish each other.”

Marriage presents plenty of opportunities to be frustrated or irritated with your spouse. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard wrote the book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. He made an analogy between building a home and building a marriage. He said, “Each of us is created in a different ‘factory’ or family. Two people come together assuming that they will readily connect. But we soon find that our traditions, expectations, assumptions, and ways of life do not line up. The more time that passes, the more clear the differences…Each is inclined to believe that the way we have chosen (or been raised) is the better way…But we never match up perfectly with another human being.”

Not only are men and women designed to be different from one another, but each human being is different from each other. We come with our own spiritual and earthly DNA. Even identical twins who grow up in the same family, with the same parents, will be different from each other as they filter their life experiences through their own personal lens.

I am engaged to a wonderful man who has entered my life in my 50’s. We are very much alike in personality, interests, values, and life goals. Our courtship has been refreshing and wonderful to be with someone who “gets me.” Even still, it is important for us to be mindful and rejoice in the ways we differ. We are entering new territory as this is a second marriage for both of us. We enjoyed doing Dr. Gottman’s Love Map Questionnaire. We were pleased to find that we actually know a lot about one another through the course of our year-long relationship. Dr. Gottman said, “The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.” His counsel gives me courage and reassurance for the new experiences we will have in the next chapter of our lives.

Positive Interactions in a Marriage Make a Difference

In the article, Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science, from The Gottman Institute, a discovery is declared: “The difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict.” The ratio is 5 to 1, so for every negative interaction during a marital conflict, a happy and healthy couple uses 5 positive interactions during conflict.

The article lists positive interactions marriage partners can use during conflict. Here are a few:

·         Be interested in your partner. This sounds simple, but sometimes couples drift apart. I usually asked my husband at the end of the day how work went, or if he was playing a flight simulator game, I would ask where he was “virtually” flying to. When we show interest in our spouse, we are really telling them they are important to us.

·         Express affection with your spouse. Some people don’t like to be touched, while others are always initiating physical contact. Be in tune to the type of touch your spouse enjoys and is comfortable with. My husband and I almost always held hands watching a movie or driving in the car. There is an unspoken connection being made when a simple touch takes place between couples.

·         Accept your partner’s perspective. It is important for spouses to acknowledge one another’s points of view. No two people are alike even if they are very similar. It’s okay if you have differing opinions. The key is to feel safe expressing those opinions and finding ways to accommodate them in your marriage.

·         Make jokes, even when you’re in a disagreement. My husband was a master at cracking a silly joke or saying something funny in a stressful moment. It diffuses the tension. It is amazing what laughter can do to ease the discomfort of a situation. It gives each partner a chance to take a breath, step back, and readdress the problem.

·         Find opportunities where you agree as a couple. There are enough times in a marriage that you disagree with your spouse. Look for those times when you can agree and be in sync regarding an issue. It doesn’t even have to be a big thing, but it will show your spouse you care about them and you are a team in something.

Dr. John Gottman, in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, repeats over and over how important a strong friendship is in a marriage. Sometimes I wondered if my husband and I were better at being friends than at being marriage partners. I think our friendship is what got us through the difficult times of married life. We were married for 33 years before he passed away. For many people, the empty-nest years are frightening. I believe the empty-nest years were the best in my marriage since we were older, wiser, and had more undivided time to devote to one another.

Take the time to really know your spouse. Marriage is such a blessing. It can be taken for granted, but when it is nurtured, it can enrich your life like nothing else!

Marriage can be blissful work...

Marriage is bliss, but it can also be very difficult at times. I was young when I got married. My head was in the clouds and I thought we would live happily ever after. It didn’t take very long until I realized married life wasn't like the “Laurel lessons” we had in Young Women’s. Yes! Marriage is great, but when you add in college classes, jobs, careers, babies, church callings, PTA, etc., it can get bogged down with life. It is easy to get frustrated, distracted, and even disenchanted with one another.

In a 1996 General Conference talk by Elder Bruce C. Hafen, entitled, Covenant Marriage, he speaks of three types of wolves that can affect a marriage. Wolf #1 is adversity. We all experience trials and tribulations of different kinds. For some couples, adversity tears their relationship apart, whereas other couples face the storms together and are stronger for it. What makes the difference? Why are some couples strengthened from adversity and others torn apart?

In the Ensign article, Overcoming Adversity Together, Larry K. Langlois, a marriage and family therapist, explained how couples react to the different types of trials they face. He said, “Severe adversity tends to intensify the kind of relationship a couple has before it hits. A close, healthy relationship will generally triumph in a crisis; a weak, troubled one will often falter. Studies have shown that when couples perceive that their adversity is coming from outside the relationship, the marital bond tends to be strengthened. An attitude of “us against the world” can lead them to draw closer together. But when they perceive that the adversity is coming from within their relationship—where there is blaming and fault-finding—the marital bond is often weakened. The way people perceive the cause of adversity can be an important factor in how they deal with it.”

Wolf #2 is our own imperfections. We are all “works in progress.” To add to our own imperfections, we have married someone with imperfections as well. It can be challenging at times to overlook the minor foibles our spouse makes or to forgive ourselves for stupid things we do. When we allow each other enough room for growth and development, we can be more patient and kind as we travel this journey of mortality together.

Wolf #3 is individualism. This is a tricky one, as all couples need to find a balance between autonomy and connectedness. It is not good if one spouse is overshadowed by the other spouse, nor is it good if a couple spends the majority of time apart rather than together. Elder Hafen said, “The adversary… exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone.” Over the years I have known people who need to “find themselves.” They have ventured out into focus groups that emphasize individualism over marriage partnerships. I witnessed couples breaking up as one partner completely pulled away in an effort to have their own space.

Just as a plant needs water, sun, and a friendly environment, a marriage needs love, time, and attention to help it flourish and grow.

So, what can you do to connect better with your spouse? Find some new ways to rekindle your marriage relationship. Such as: Go dancing, hiking, or just a walk around the park. Write love notes to each other. Try out a new bistro or restaurant rather than the same old place. Plan something to do as a couple and then do it. Be creative and have fun!