Turning Toward

Years ago I was speaking with a friend. We were discussing what her husband was like before he joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She said she treated him as though he were already a member of the Church. This conversation had a huge impact on me as I was dealing with a difficult teenager at the time. I tried to take my friend’s advice and see my daughter as Heavenly Father sees her.

Part of this earthly existence is having faith in Jesus Christ that he can change people’s hearts, if and when they are willing. Married life gives us many opportunities to be patient with the one we love most.  Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, in his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, explains how faith impacts our marriage. He said, “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouse even as He is working to rescue us. When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God’s purposes in perfecting our partner (and don’t try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress.”

Sometimes it is difficult to recognize and see the good traits and qualities in your spouse. I remember years ago coming across a quote by President Brigham Young that my sister and I found comfort in on those days when we were not getting along with our husbands. Dr. Goddard paraphrases Brigham Young, who said, “If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him.” Brigham Young gave similar counsel to husbands about their wives.

It is easy to get caught up in day-to-day living and not take the time to truly reach out to your spouse. It oftentimes requires a change of thinking and behaving. Dr. John M. Gottman describes this as “turning toward each other” in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He said, “Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough…” Dr. Gottman lists activities couples can do to “turn toward each other.” They are simple things that many of us take for granted. He said the most effective one is to reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went. He suggests you find the right time to chat, and talk about whatever you want that is outside the marriage. This gives a couple a chance to discuss other areas of concern in their lives. Some additional activities on the list include: exercise together, go dancing or attend a concert, read out loud together, help out other people, and celebrate milestones.

As I started dating again in my 50’s, and learned how important yoga is to my boyfriend, I joined his yoga class. I had never done yoga before and there was a learning curve to it, but it has become something we enjoy doing together. Find things you can do together. It might not be your first choice of activity, but it will pay huge dividends in the quality and happiness of your marriage.