Cherish is the word....

After my husband passed away, I kept little handwritten notes nearby that he’d given me. They were daily reminders that he cherished me during our marriage. One note said, “You’re my favorite best mostest. I missed you all day!” When we called or texted one another, we had nicknames for each other. He was Du (short for Dude) and I was Ba (short for Babe). When our oldest granddaughter was about 2 years old, she told us, “I love you much anyone.” My husband and I took that sweet phrase and made an acronym out of the first letters of each word. We would often end a text or note with the letters ILYMA. It was our secret code of love for each other.

These nicknames, code words, and phrases may seem silly to anyone else, but they were ways of expressing our fondness and admiration for one another. In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman said, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. They cherish each other.”

Marriage presents plenty of opportunities to be frustrated or irritated with your spouse. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard wrote the book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. He made an analogy between building a home and building a marriage. He said, “Each of us is created in a different ‘factory’ or family. Two people come together assuming that they will readily connect. But we soon find that our traditions, expectations, assumptions, and ways of life do not line up. The more time that passes, the more clear the differences…Each is inclined to believe that the way we have chosen (or been raised) is the better way…But we never match up perfectly with another human being.”

Not only are men and women designed to be different from one another, but each human being is different from each other. We come with our own spiritual and earthly DNA. Even identical twins who grow up in the same family, with the same parents, will be different from each other as they filter their life experiences through their own personal lens.

I am engaged to a wonderful man who has entered my life in my 50’s. We are very much alike in personality, interests, values, and life goals. Our courtship has been refreshing and wonderful to be with someone who “gets me.” Even still, it is important for us to be mindful and rejoice in the ways we differ. We are entering new territory as this is a second marriage for both of us. We enjoyed doing Dr. Gottman’s Love Map Questionnaire. We were pleased to find that we actually know a lot about one another through the course of our year-long relationship. Dr. Gottman said, “The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.” His counsel gives me courage and reassurance for the new experiences we will have in the next chapter of our lives.