Positive Interactions in a Marriage Make a Difference

In the article, Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science, from The Gottman Institute, a discovery is declared: “The difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict.” The ratio is 5 to 1, so for every negative interaction during a marital conflict, a happy and healthy couple uses 5 positive interactions during conflict.

The article lists positive interactions marriage partners can use during conflict. Here are a few:

·         Be interested in your partner. This sounds simple, but sometimes couples drift apart. I usually asked my husband at the end of the day how work went, or if he was playing a flight simulator game, I would ask where he was “virtually” flying to. When we show interest in our spouse, we are really telling them they are important to us.

·         Express affection with your spouse. Some people don’t like to be touched, while others are always initiating physical contact. Be in tune to the type of touch your spouse enjoys and is comfortable with. My husband and I almost always held hands watching a movie or driving in the car. There is an unspoken connection being made when a simple touch takes place between couples.

·         Accept your partner’s perspective. It is important for spouses to acknowledge one another’s points of view. No two people are alike even if they are very similar. It’s okay if you have differing opinions. The key is to feel safe expressing those opinions and finding ways to accommodate them in your marriage.

·         Make jokes, even when you’re in a disagreement. My husband was a master at cracking a silly joke or saying something funny in a stressful moment. It diffuses the tension. It is amazing what laughter can do to ease the discomfort of a situation. It gives each partner a chance to take a breath, step back, and readdress the problem.

·         Find opportunities where you agree as a couple. There are enough times in a marriage that you disagree with your spouse. Look for those times when you can agree and be in sync regarding an issue. It doesn’t even have to be a big thing, but it will show your spouse you care about them and you are a team in something.

Dr. John Gottman, in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, repeats over and over how important a strong friendship is in a marriage. Sometimes I wondered if my husband and I were better at being friends than at being marriage partners. I think our friendship is what got us through the difficult times of married life. We were married for 33 years before he passed away. For many people, the empty-nest years are frightening. I believe the empty-nest years were the best in my marriage since we were older, wiser, and had more undivided time to devote to one another.

Take the time to really know your spouse. Marriage is such a blessing. It can be taken for granted, but when it is nurtured, it can enrich your life like nothing else!