Marriage can be blissful work...

Marriage is bliss, but it can also be very difficult at times. I was young when I got married. My head was in the clouds and I thought we would live happily ever after. It didn’t take very long until I realized married life wasn't like the “Laurel lessons” we had in Young Women’s. Yes! Marriage is great, but when you add in college classes, jobs, careers, babies, church callings, PTA, etc., it can get bogged down with life. It is easy to get frustrated, distracted, and even disenchanted with one another.

In a 1996 General Conference talk by Elder Bruce C. Hafen, entitled, Covenant Marriage, he speaks of three types of wolves that can affect a marriage. Wolf #1 is adversity. We all experience trials and tribulations of different kinds. For some couples, adversity tears their relationship apart, whereas other couples face the storms together and are stronger for it. What makes the difference? Why are some couples strengthened from adversity and others torn apart?

In the Ensign article, Overcoming Adversity Together, Larry K. Langlois, a marriage and family therapist, explained how couples react to the different types of trials they face. He said, “Severe adversity tends to intensify the kind of relationship a couple has before it hits. A close, healthy relationship will generally triumph in a crisis; a weak, troubled one will often falter. Studies have shown that when couples perceive that their adversity is coming from outside the relationship, the marital bond tends to be strengthened. An attitude of “us against the world” can lead them to draw closer together. But when they perceive that the adversity is coming from within their relationship—where there is blaming and fault-finding—the marital bond is often weakened. The way people perceive the cause of adversity can be an important factor in how they deal with it.”

Wolf #2 is our own imperfections. We are all “works in progress.” To add to our own imperfections, we have married someone with imperfections as well. It can be challenging at times to overlook the minor foibles our spouse makes or to forgive ourselves for stupid things we do. When we allow each other enough room for growth and development, we can be more patient and kind as we travel this journey of mortality together.

Wolf #3 is individualism. This is a tricky one, as all couples need to find a balance between autonomy and connectedness. It is not good if one spouse is overshadowed by the other spouse, nor is it good if a couple spends the majority of time apart rather than together. Elder Hafen said, “The adversary… exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone.” Over the years I have known people who need to “find themselves.” They have ventured out into focus groups that emphasize individualism over marriage partnerships. I witnessed couples breaking up as one partner completely pulled away in an effort to have their own space.

Just as a plant needs water, sun, and a friendly environment, a marriage needs love, time, and attention to help it flourish and grow.

So, what can you do to connect better with your spouse? Find some new ways to rekindle your marriage relationship. Such as: Go dancing, hiking, or just a walk around the park. Write love notes to each other. Try out a new bistro or restaurant rather than the same old place. Plan something to do as a couple and then do it. Be creative and have fun!