Expanding our Family Circles

In the game of life, I got the winning hand on in-laws. I don’t know how I lucked out on this one, but I’ve had great in-laws throughout my entire life. My mother-in-law was sick and only lived a couple of years after my husband and I got married, and yet she was always happy and cheerful. My father-in-law was not particularly social, but when he re-married, I appreciated having another mother-in-law. We didn’t see them real often, but we always got along.

My husband loved my parents. For many years while our children were young, we spent Sunday evenings with my parents, just visiting and enjoying each other’s company. Our siblings and their spouses also enjoy getting together. On occasion we have differing opinions and don’t see eye-to-eye on things, but we are still loyal to one another.

 

One thing my parents did for their adult daughters and daughters-in-law was start an annual Sister’s Retreat in St. George. There are eight of us and we have done this trip for about 30 years. It is a highlight of our year. We love eating at restaurants, watching movies, playing games, hiking, talking, laughing, crying, and more laughing. The sisterly bonds we have forged during our St. George trips is unbreakable.

When my daughters got married, they added the next layer of in-laws. Each one married into wonderful families. Our sons-in-law are awesome. We enjoy being together for family events and vacations. It is fun to watch our adult children grow and develop in their relationships with one another.

My father-in-law passed away in 2012. After my husband passed away in 2014, I’ve taken the time to visit his step-mom a number of times. She is still one of my favorite people. We do not share the same religion, but we share a love of books and the outdoors. When I told her I was dating again, I shared with her how much I appreciated her example of being a wonderful step-mother-in-law. She always treated me with respect and kindness. She showed interest in me and my life. She was great with our children. She was “Grandma Katie” to them. She inspired me to pursue another marriage and what that all entails.

I’m learning that with a remarriage, there are many more layers. You don’t just have in-laws, but you now have step-children, step-grandchildren, and previous spouses. I spoke with a dear friend of mine during my new courtship. This friend and her husband both lost their first spouses and eventually married each other. When I asked her how you blend two families together, her response was: “You just learn to deal with it. You realize the family has just expanded.”

In the book, Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen said, “Parents who try to create a climate of safety in which children can express their feelings about how involved they want to be will have the greatest potential for positive influence in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives.”

Even though the context of this quote is a little different with a blended family, the principle still applies. The more my new husband and I create a safe place for our children and grandchildren to express their feelings about this “new normal,” the more positive experiences we will enjoy with them, individually and collectively.

Walking side by side...

When I consider how couples manage the power within their marriage, I love the example of President Gordon B. Hinckley and his wife, Marjorie. Gordon B. Hinckley was a former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In the October 2003 Ensign magazine, this wonderful couple was interviewed about their marriage relationship. Sister Hinckley was asked about her husband’s style of encouraging her. She said, “He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn’t try to rule or dominate me.” President Hinckley added, “I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…”

Other than the first 2 ½ years of marriage, I was a stay-at-home mom by choice. We had a more traditional marriage. My husband felt I should be responsible for everything to do with the house, while he provided for us financially, sometimes working an extra job or two to make ends meet during the lean years.

Because I was responsible for household matters, I had to learn how to deal with house and car repairs and maintenance, budgets and bills, and everything else that goes into running a home. At times I hated managing repairs or paying bills, but my husband trusted me completely to make wise decisions. I didn’t realize until later how important this was and how it prepared me for later events in my life. Even though we had more traditional roles, we approached major decisions together. Because I learned how to handle many things regarding our homes, I was able to manage selling and buying homes on my own after he passed away. One of my good friends told me that if her husband had passed away suddenly like mine did, she would have no idea what to do.

As I am getting ready for a second marriage, my fiancé and I did an assignment together reviewing who will make the major decisions in our home. Decisions this time around are a little more complex as we are dealing with ex-spouses, step-children, multiple homes, and issues regarding retirement in a few years. As we read through the list of decisions, we agreed that almost all of them would be made jointly. I am excited to embark on this new relationship as a committed team.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side… ”

The Joys of Sexual Intimacy

My parents were the picture-perfect model of a married couple in love. They always held hands in public. They hugged and kissed each other in front of us kids. Sometimes my dad would chase my mom around the house as my mom giggled and squealed. There was no doubt in my mind that my parents loved one another and enjoyed physical touch.

I don’t know if it was the era I grew up in, or my parent’s style, but they did not prepare us children for sexual intimacy in our own marriages. They never spoke to us about sexuality. I had no “sex” education beyond the 5^th grade maturation program at school, the romance books I read or the movies I watched, and the little pamphlet my doctor gave me before my marriage. I was woefully unprepared for this important part of married life.

In the talk, Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage, Sean E. Brotherson quotes President Hugh B. Brown, who said, “Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose… We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.”

Brotherson shares his own experience as a young adult, engaged to be married, learning about sexual intimacy. He said, “God would not be very kind, in my opinion, if He were to create the means and the affection for married couples to express love to each other sexually, yet deny us the opportunity to gain the learning and wisdom we need to find fulfillment and mutual joy in this critical aspect of married life.”

My husband and I made it a point to have discussions with our children about sexual intimacy. From a young age, we had an open-dialogue approach and would answer their questions appropriately depending on their age and level of understanding.

 

We live in a world where intimacy and fidelity have become so skewed, and perverted, that we must take the initiative as parents to teach our children correct principles regarding this important, but sensitive topic. Recently I was visiting my daughter who home-schools her children, who are all girls. I happened to be there when they were studying sex education. They had already been taught anatomy for both boys and girls. I was so proud of the way my daughter taught sexual intimacy with a positive and uplifting approach. There was an open discussion between her and her daughters.

Brotherson quotes LDS psychologist, Victor Cline, who wrote in his book, How to Make a Good Marriage Great, “…sex should be a celebration. It comes from God. He created our sexual appetites and natures. He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually. He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love… The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship. Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other. It won’t always be easy. But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so.”

As I approach a second marriage with someone new to share my life with, I find my concerns are different this time around. Obviously I am educated in what sexual intimacy entails from my first marriage, but I will have the opportunity to explore this important and special part of our relationship with my new husband, hopefully bringing joy to one another through all our expressions of love.

The Magic Six Hours

If someone told you that you could improve your marriage in only 6 steps, would you believe them? Would you be willing to give it a try?

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman calls these steps, the Magic Six Hours. Couples who participated in his studies, and were trying to improve their marriages, followed these simple, but profound practices on a regular basis.

The Magic Six Hours

v  Each morning before you say good-bye to your spouse, make sure you know one thing that is happening in their life today. It could be as simple as them having lunch with a co-worker, going to a doctor appointment, making a presentation at work, or tending grandkids.

v  When you come together at the end of the day, give each other a hug and a kiss. Dr. Gottman recommends the six-second kiss. Also he encourages couples to talk about their day which helps reduce stress.

v  Find some way every single day to express your affection and appreciation towards your spouse. Genuinely say “I love you.”

v   Show physical affection throughout the day, and make sure to give each other a hug and kiss before going to sleep at night. When we take the time to give affection at the end of the day through a hug and a quick kiss, we offer forgiveness for any minor irritations that may have built up during the day between one another.

v  Make time to go on a weekly date. Take the opportunity to just talk and reconnect. Ask each other open-ended questions.

v  Once a week have a “state of the union” meeting. Discuss what things went right the past week. Give each other five appreciative comments--be specific. Talk about any issues that arose during the week that need to be addressed. If there is some problem-solving to be done, use the two-circle method described in my previous blog post.

v  End the meeting by asking and answering:

What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?

My husband and I did pretty well in most of these areas, but one recurring sore spot was a weekly date. By the end of the week, my husband was “peopled out.” Even though we were both homebodies, I craved some social interaction. I didn’t care if was just with him or doing something with friends. In the last year of our marriage before my husband passed away, he made a greater effort to go out to dinner on the weekend. I appreciated his willingness to do something that was important to me.

As I anticipate my new marriage in a couple of months, I am grateful to learn about the Magic Six Hours. I believe they give a great foundation to start a marriage, as well as reinforcement for those who have already been married for years. Any investment you make with the one you love, will provide great dividends.

Resolving Conflict

Marriage relationships are tricky, no matter what stage you are in. I am finding myself in new territory as I am preparing to get married for the second time. I am in my 50’s and by this time of life, you have done a lot of living, as well as have some pretty set routines. My fiancé and I joke about blending not only our two families, but blending our two distinct histories and our individual preferences. There will need to be a lot of give and take in this new marriage, not unlike a first marriage.

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman said, “Like it or not, compromise is the only way to solve marital problems…Compromise is not about just one person changing. It’s about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other. You will not be able to compromise successfully if you don’t accept your partner’s flaws and foibles.”

I am not deterred in making this leap into a new relationship, but I feel some concern that we will be able to find common ground on those areas that we differ on. Dr. Gottman suggests a way of finding that common ground. He says to draw two circles on a piece of paper, one inside the other one. In the smaller inner circle make a list of the aspects of a problem or conflict that are absolutes for you and you can’t give in on. Then in the larger outer circle, make a list of all the ways you can compromise regarding that problem or conflict. As you discuss both levels of aspects with your spouse, you can recognize ways in which you are each willing to compromise on, and find ways to solve the issue.

Another key point Dr. Gottman makes: “…the cornerstone of any compromise is accepting influence…You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse says or believes, but you have to be open to considering his or her position. That’s what accepting influence is really all about.”

Any new relationship can be exciting and scary at the same time. Some people prefer to not take a chance, and stay in their safety zone. There is nothing wrong with that, but I am finding that as much as I like my safe and routine zone, I am willing to jump out of my comfort zone to explore new ways to find joy with someone I love.

Taking the higher road of humility...

President Ezra Taft Benson spoke in the April 1989 general conference about pride. His talk has become a hallmark on this subject. He states: “Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing. The central feature of pride is enmity…toward God and…toward our fellowmen.” He continues by saying, “The proud stand more in fear of men’s judgment than of God’s judgment.”

One of my favorite sections of President Benson’s talk is when he refers to pride not only coming from people looking from the top down, but also from those looking from the bottom up. He cautioned, “There is…a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up…such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise…and being unforgiving and jealous.”

At one point in my life I was attending the temple weekly with a friend in my ward. I enjoyed having someone to go to the temple with on a regular basis. Gradually, though, our conversations turned more and more towards her faultfinding of our bishop. I found myself defending him each week. He was a stern bishop with very opinionated views, and yet I found I liked his style. My friend could not let go of some of her irritations regarding him, so gradually I went to the temple with her less and less often. It was hard to have a good spirit in the temple with so much negativity.

President Benson continues his talk by declaring that all of us are affected by pride during our life. He said, “The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. It is the broken heart and contrite spirit…God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble…let us choose to be humble.”

President Benson lists a handful of ways we can choose to be humble-

·         Conquer our enmity towards other people

·         Esteem others as we esteem ourselves

·         Lift others high, or even higher than ourselves

·         Forgive anyone who has offended us

·         Give loving service to others

·         Serve a mission for the Church

·         Attend the temple more often

·         Confess and forsake our sins

·         Love God

·         Submit to God’s will

·         Put God first in our lives

Pride can enter all facets of our lives, especially our family relationships. In Dr. H. Wallace Goddard's book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, he states: "Rather than be bothered by the things we want to change in our partners and marriages, we can learn to accept humanness and flaws in our partners. We can laugh at the foibles that bedevil all of us. We can pray for mercy for ourselves and our partners. Because each of us desperately needs mercy, we can offer mercy to each other."

Turning Toward

Years ago I was speaking with a friend. We were discussing what her husband was like before he joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She said she treated him as though he were already a member of the Church. This conversation had a huge impact on me as I was dealing with a difficult teenager at the time. I tried to take my friend’s advice and see my daughter as Heavenly Father sees her.

Part of this earthly existence is having faith in Jesus Christ that he can change people’s hearts, if and when they are willing. Married life gives us many opportunities to be patient with the one we love most.  Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, in his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, explains how faith impacts our marriage. He said, “Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouse even as He is working to rescue us. When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God’s purposes in perfecting our partner (and don’t try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress.”

Sometimes it is difficult to recognize and see the good traits and qualities in your spouse. I remember years ago coming across a quote by President Brigham Young that my sister and I found comfort in on those days when we were not getting along with our husbands. Dr. Goddard paraphrases Brigham Young, who said, “If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him.” Brigham Young gave similar counsel to husbands about their wives.

It is easy to get caught up in day-to-day living and not take the time to truly reach out to your spouse. It oftentimes requires a change of thinking and behaving. Dr. John M. Gottman describes this as “turning toward each other” in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He said, “Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough…” Dr. Gottman lists activities couples can do to “turn toward each other.” They are simple things that many of us take for granted. He said the most effective one is to reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went. He suggests you find the right time to chat, and talk about whatever you want that is outside the marriage. This gives a couple a chance to discuss other areas of concern in their lives. Some additional activities on the list include: exercise together, go dancing or attend a concert, read out loud together, help out other people, and celebrate milestones.

As I started dating again in my 50’s, and learned how important yoga is to my boyfriend, I joined his yoga class. I had never done yoga before and there was a learning curve to it, but it has become something we enjoy doing together. Find things you can do together. It might not be your first choice of activity, but it will pay huge dividends in the quality and happiness of your marriage.