Resolving Conflict

Marriage relationships are tricky, no matter what stage you are in. I am finding myself in new territory as I am preparing to get married for the second time. I am in my 50’s and by this time of life, you have done a lot of living, as well as have some pretty set routines. My fiancé and I joke about blending not only our two families, but blending our two distinct histories and our individual preferences. There will need to be a lot of give and take in this new marriage, not unlike a first marriage.

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman said, “Like it or not, compromise is the only way to solve marital problems…Compromise is not about just one person changing. It’s about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other. You will not be able to compromise successfully if you don’t accept your partner’s flaws and foibles.”

I am not deterred in making this leap into a new relationship, but I feel some concern that we will be able to find common ground on those areas that we differ on. Dr. Gottman suggests a way of finding that common ground. He says to draw two circles on a piece of paper, one inside the other one. In the smaller inner circle make a list of the aspects of a problem or conflict that are absolutes for you and you can’t give in on. Then in the larger outer circle, make a list of all the ways you can compromise regarding that problem or conflict. As you discuss both levels of aspects with your spouse, you can recognize ways in which you are each willing to compromise on, and find ways to solve the issue.

Another key point Dr. Gottman makes: “…the cornerstone of any compromise is accepting influence…You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse says or believes, but you have to be open to considering his or her position. That’s what accepting influence is really all about.”

Any new relationship can be exciting and scary at the same time. Some people prefer to not take a chance, and stay in their safety zone. There is nothing wrong with that, but I am finding that as much as I like my safe and routine zone, I am willing to jump out of my comfort zone to explore new ways to find joy with someone I love.