The Magic Six Hours

If someone told you that you could improve your marriage in only 6 steps, would you believe them? Would you be willing to give it a try?

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman calls these steps, the Magic Six Hours. Couples who participated in his studies, and were trying to improve their marriages, followed these simple, but profound practices on a regular basis.

The Magic Six Hours

v  Each morning before you say good-bye to your spouse, make sure you know one thing that is happening in their life today. It could be as simple as them having lunch with a co-worker, going to a doctor appointment, making a presentation at work, or tending grandkids.

v  When you come together at the end of the day, give each other a hug and a kiss. Dr. Gottman recommends the six-second kiss. Also he encourages couples to talk about their day which helps reduce stress.

v  Find some way every single day to express your affection and appreciation towards your spouse. Genuinely say “I love you.”

v   Show physical affection throughout the day, and make sure to give each other a hug and kiss before going to sleep at night. When we take the time to give affection at the end of the day through a hug and a quick kiss, we offer forgiveness for any minor irritations that may have built up during the day between one another.

v  Make time to go on a weekly date. Take the opportunity to just talk and reconnect. Ask each other open-ended questions.

v  Once a week have a “state of the union” meeting. Discuss what things went right the past week. Give each other five appreciative comments--be specific. Talk about any issues that arose during the week that need to be addressed. If there is some problem-solving to be done, use the two-circle method described in my previous blog post.

v  End the meeting by asking and answering:

What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?

My husband and I did pretty well in most of these areas, but one recurring sore spot was a weekly date. By the end of the week, my husband was “peopled out.” Even though we were both homebodies, I craved some social interaction. I didn’t care if was just with him or doing something with friends. In the last year of our marriage before my husband passed away, he made a greater effort to go out to dinner on the weekend. I appreciated his willingness to do something that was important to me.

As I anticipate my new marriage in a couple of months, I am grateful to learn about the Magic Six Hours. I believe they give a great foundation to start a marriage, as well as reinforcement for those who have already been married for years. Any investment you make with the one you love, will provide great dividends.